thentheresthegirlwhothinksshe’llnevereverbegoodenoughforhimkeepstryingtochangeandthatsagameshe’llneverwin

band

o goodness where do i even get myself started

   it has nothing to do with dicipline or talking or any of that stuff. clarinet section is actually doing a really good job when it comes to doing what they are told. wats so frustrating is that they still dont know their music, counts, or drill. Let alone the fact that they still cant march with good technique. credit they all work really hard but i dont know what to do to make them better. I hate to be over critical of myself but for the most part i am…i feel like ive failed them in away. i dont know how to possibly make them apply what i say. i correct the SAME thigns over and over and over again and i cant let off because for hte most part it is my job to make sure they are doing things right. maybe i have too much heart or too much emotion into band.    but  i cant help it

  “the defining feature of leadership is that you have to seriously enjoy the job. you ahve to live it, breathe it, and jumop out of bed every morning at the thought of the day ahead”

i think im doing my job right…but for the most part im probably over-stressing. maybe trying to do too much? but if its not perfect “or atleast close to it” shouldnt i keep trying.?

its definately been a few months since i last posted anything close to decent on here.

consistency

   so im thinking about switching to pre-calc.   but im not sure if i should. I tried talkin to my mom about it and she said i should do what is right for me.  not for college or anything but what i am comfortable with. andrew said advanced topics in math would look pathetic on my applications when so many others have taken pre-calc.  calculus.  [not exact words but rather similar] and that kinda made me sad. its not his fault. but i guess it just kinda made me realise how much i have let myself down.  i have planned out my future, and its been planned for so long. maybe i did set myself up for failure.  like i was in denial all those years and now reality is kicking my ass. my gpa sucks and i need atleast a 3.5-3.8 by the end of this year to get into the college that i want to get into.

  but i guess now that i am so close to losing everything its going to push me to work even harder. im terrified.

      im not a perfectionist except when it comes to band i suppose and my future. because those seem to be the only time when im worried about failure

 so things are finally turning around

     3 days left.  and everything is going to hopefully get better

 im so relieved.

I am incredibly sad and distraught and just defeated.

  Going to taiwan was the best and worst thing in the world.

Ive never been to a funeral..let alone see a dead body. I felt so guilty the last time i saw him i was like 5 and barely remember any events. I wish i knew him better. 

Seeing my grandpa and great grandma [who is 91.] was absolutely wonderful. Ive missed my moms family so much. It has been 10 years since ive seen any of them…far too long.

I cant help but cry knowing im not going to see them. I want to go back every year now. My grandpa is so sick. he just got heart bypass surgery. and hes getting better. but slowly..he has internal stomach bleeding..but i dont know how bad it is. We went to go see him and god he looked so happy just to see us yet he was lying in the hospital bed in pain. I love him.

then we went to go see Taipwopwo [great grandma]  and i walked into the room and her face just lit up. and she started to cry.  ive never been so touched..she spent the entire time ranting about my dad. and how great my mom is. and shes right..shes absolutely right. it hurt so bad leaving her. heck it hurt so bad leaving taiwan in general.

When we left to go to the airport my grandma said goodbye to us as we got into the car to leave her apartment. and at htis point i hadnt cried yet.  neither had anyone else. 

the second me got into the car. my grandma breaks down. and its so heart breaking. shes all alone. her son just died. her husband is sick. shes in an apartment all alone. and shes not use to being alone. and on tpo of all that. she just got an eye transplant. but its weary becasue shes been crying so much.

 i feel so helpless. i dont know what to do.  i love htem so much

    “wo shir zhong guo ren”

  i want to go back.

my dad is still a jerk. and i feel like im losing hope.

    i lost my dad.

o man i absolutely love christina aguilera

  and i am absolutely in love with this whole concert deal.  i am certainly making a plan to go to as many as i can. it was the best time.  her music is so powerful..definately helped me through my darkest times.

   i forgot how much some of her old songs meant to me.  she ended with fighter.   and man it was so powerful.

   i danced throughout the entire concert. singing all the lyrics. screaming at the top of my lungs. i still cant stop bobbing my head. gah i felt so free. free to take on the world. it was simply AMAZING and so much beyond it. haha

man i was getting so into the music. just felt it through my body, blood, limbs mind, soul  just everywhere. i love music. and im so happy to be apart of it. 

tonight was simply the best.

sarah, i am having huge huge issues getting to your comment page.

    but this is just for  you lol

good night =]

Christina aguilera concert tomorrow. so EXCITED =]

      “forget your troubles come on get happy” 

   so i have 2 weeks left until i come back to florida. and i feel better than ever.

 I left feeling really confused and a little “betrayed” so to speak. I didnt really feel like i belong. I have a good set of friends…but i realised i dont have a best friend.  I mean i know i can go to my friends now. I trust them and they have helped me through a lot. And this really isnt a problem. I thought it was…or atleast it bothered me. Not because of my relationship with the friends i have. Just the fact that i didnt. and im okay with that.  I hope this doesnt come out the wrong way…this isnt another megan incident. im not asking for anything…cuz everythings fine.

   i dont know if this is making any sense. uhm    hopefully if the people who i am talking to are readingg per chance. you know its you.  you are my really good friends. i trust you guys. we have fun. but im never truly going to be on the same level as you guys simply because of history. and to be honest that use to bother me alot from the gecko of freshman year. and it really blew me away last year. until this summer. i dont care if i am never going to be as close with youguys as all of you are.  you have all been best friends since middle school and ive just started hanging out with you guys halfway through freshman year.  i dont even think you guys knew any of this. so there was probably no need for me to write this.And im really glad we are friends and yea all hte powe to yea.

 i feel better now.

     if you guys read this. i hope nothing bad comes out of it.  

      wow. that kinda came out of nowhere.  im just feeling really good right now.

  have you guys gotten my postcards yet??  just wondering cuz they should be coming soon.

    dear god,

CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE THE YANKEES A DIVINE INTERVENTION AND HELP THEM WIN THIS SEASON?!?!  PLEASE<33

im better. i dont think anything will hit me until i get to taiwan.  [funeral is july 6th.]

but upside i get to see my mom !!

ive decided that i truly hate cancer.  i hate it.  why is it here. why do cells.  i mean honestly CELLS have to fight and beat eachother up. and kill each other.  so those same cells can just go ahead and die too.  talk about a suicidal catastrophe. i dont mean to make a comic out of this. but iahte deeling with saddness. and im horrible at dealing with this kind.  i havent even cried yet.

  my uncle died a couple days ago. of throat cancer. he had a hole in his throat about 3 inch wide and 3 inch deep.  started from a cold sore. hes been fighting for about a year mayb 2 or 3.

its from my moms side of hte family. and honestly i love htem dearly.  but ihavent seen them in god knows how long. i think the last time i saw them i was 7 or 8.  and now im almost 16. im sad.  but i dont think i had a deep enough connection with my uncle. is that bad..??

ive never had a death in the family. or none that ive been alive for. and i know death is a part of life. i accept that. but that doesnt make dealing with it any better. i dont know what to do i dont know wat to expect

how can this year bring so much good. so much love and happiness.   to bring so much chaos destruction lies death and tears

wether its evolution or god.   i think my bubble is slowly diminishing…you know you get those invincible thinkings?

  when i was 7 perhaps i promised myself. NO MATTER WAT. that my parents would never get divorced.   woopdedoo to that goodbye.

 i would have never thought that i would have any immediate family die from cancer. yea my sister jennifer [life-long friends our families davis/burtons have been having trips since we were all babes. parents were friends before they were all even married]  but she had leukemia [sp?] at age 7 and survived. my aunt has breat cancer..but seems to be recovering.    i mean i know im not hte only one. thousands upon millions of people have lost to cancer.    ..   i just never thought it would be in my territory.